Category: Joke

Sorry to have taken so long to check in – a lot has happened.  

First, Nu has left the Temple and is going to start school this Tue and is getting a apt of his own.  We’ve had some differences and a break was needed.

Second – I have completed work on my photo studio and plan on starting having models over – I will post examples of those who allow me to post their shots  –   At least I hope I can make some great shots.  I also think I will use gThaiStudio web-site for the gallery.  I’ll have to work on that, so stay tuned.

And finally  – Jerry sent me this one:

A man and his boyfriend were watching a TV program on Psychology, when the  man turned to his boyfriend and said, “I bet you can’t tell me something that  will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
           
He said, “You’ve got the biggest penis of all your friends.”

 

Ciao

.

 

Sawadee Khrap

 

Here’s a special site – Compare the pictures looking closely for differences

 – Can you detect what is different –

 

You’ll need to have “Flash plugin” working in your browser and also make sure you have your speakers turned on for the answer. It should suprise you.

Ciao

 

Sawadee Khrap     Thanks Max for this one:

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the boys.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

 

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.

 

 

*******************************

Employer’s response:

Dear Bryan , It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.

See you Monday.

Ciao

Here’s a great one from Paul:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’  He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, ‘We missed the R !    We missed the R !      We missed the R !’

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’ With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, ‘The word was… CELEBRATE!!!’

Ciao

 

Sawadee Khrap

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

 Mick says to Paddy, ‘I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.’
‘I know,’ says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.’
‘We could steal a bus from the depot,’ Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’
Paddy shouts back, ‘I can’t find a No. 91’
‘Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

Ciao

 

Sawadee Khrap

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’

No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’ Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Ciao

 

Sawadee Khrap

Manure:    In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizers were invented, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term “Ship High In Transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T ” , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.  I had always thought it was a golf term.

Thanks Jerry for another sailor’s “pears of wisdom”.

 

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
She replied, ‘Because I really miss mine.’

Ciao

 

Sawadee Khrap – another from Jerry

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, ‘You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.’ The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned  around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s  widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him

She quietly called him over to her. ‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said.
Trembling, he did as she  directed.

‘Now take off my  boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

‘ Now  take off my stockings.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

‘Now take off my  skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire  light.

‘Now take off my  bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the  floor.

Then she looked at him and said, ‘If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.’

 

I didn’t see it coming, either!

 

Ciao

 

Sawadee Khrap

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a farang, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who has one that’s big and long,
One who pays before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out his wallet  cause he knows I’m a whore.
Fucks my ass and likes to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to do to my behind?’
I pray that this man’s money has no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Ciao

 

 

 

Sawadee Khrap –  thanks Jerry:

Things Got Ya Down?    Well Then, Consider These.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am ,  regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to  investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am  all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon  was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer  books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life  support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day ????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska  was $80,000.00.  At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild  amid cheers and applause from onlookers.  A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad  Day ????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen  shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,  with some kind of wire running from his waist towards  the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from  the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy  plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.  Up to that moment, he had been happily listening  to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now ? – No ?

Two animal rights  defenders were protesting  the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse  in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs  broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.  The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?!?  STILL having a Bad  Day ????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it.  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better ? 

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap –    Thanks Max for this update.

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Ciao

 

 

Sawadee Khrap

WYOMING STATE TROOPERS

Gotta love then boys!!!!!

In most of the Northern States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.  One morning in March 2004 about 3 A.M. a Wyoming State Trooper responded to a call of a car off the sholder on the outside of the town of Casper

The Trooper located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along the side of the highway.  Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the Officer walked to the driver’s door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him.

The Trooper tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the State Policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked.  He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car’s speedometer was showing 20–30–40 then 50 MPH but it was still stuck in the snow.

The Trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car.  The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Officer was actually keeping up with him.  This goes on for about 30 seconds when the Trooper yelled at the man ordering him to “PULL OVER!”.  The driver obeyed, turned the wheel, and stopped the engine.

Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the Trooper’s special training and just how he could possibly run 50 MPH.  The man was arrested, still believing that a Trooper had outrun his car.

 

Ciao