Here are two I really like from the latest Paul’s Sunday Funnies (check older post to subscribe):
Now here’s a guy who on his 70th birthday, got a gift certificate from his partner. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on the Pima Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and nervously awaited what would happen next. The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Wow, he was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the action of the medicine?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ " he responded, "but when they do, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was so eager to see if it worked he went right home, showered, shaved, fluffed up the three remaining hairs he had on his head, put on lots of cologne, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his partner to join him in the bedroom. When he came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, the glory of his manhood expanded to fulfill both of their longings. His partner was so excited that he began ripping off his clothes. When almost fully disrobed, he asked, "Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition! Otherwise you will end up with a dangling participle.
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It’s opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "!! Now what the fuck do you think !!"