Category: Joke

Sawadee Khrap

Help can come from the strangest places.

A desperate young guy stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a shag before you go?”

“NO!   He screamed,  Bugger off,  you filthy old bastard!”

“Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

He didn’t jump………

Thanks Kevin – this may come in handy someday.

Ciao

Charlie sent me this link – Rosie’s dead –        Click on the imageCiao

Sawadee Khrap

Sage advice from Mark posted in Facebook.Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.  His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Vern! How ya doing?”  His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.   “Oh no,” says Vern.”He’s in my bowling league.”
 
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.  His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”  “I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”
 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says…  “Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” 

Vern’s wife, now furious,  grabs her purse and storms out of the club.  Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.  Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
 
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..  The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
 
VERN’S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY

Thanks Jerry for this article

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

It was Postman Don’s  last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail  through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a check for $50.  At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.   The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old  Scotch whisky.    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.  She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.  As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quarter coin in the saucer.  ‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’  he said, ‘but what’s the quarter for?’

‘Well,’ said the dumb blonde,  ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you’.   ‘I asked him what I should give you’.    He said, ‘Fuck him…. Give him a quarter.’

She smiled shyly and said,  ‘The breakfast was my idea.’

Ciao       

Sawadee Khrap

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing  number of young physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school 24 year old urologist. I saw him yesterday, and he’s absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
He told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked him why.
He said, “Because I’m trying to examine  you…”

Thanks to Paul’s Sundays Funnies –   slightly modified of course.

A Zebra Dies and Goes to Heaven

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.  As he enters, he asks St. Peter, “I have a question that’s  haunted me all of my days on earth.  Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white  stripes?”
St. Peter said, “That’s a question only God can answer.”  So the zebra went off in search of God.  When he found Him, the zebra asked, “God, please – I must know, am I white with black stripes,  or am I black with white stripes?”  God simply replied, “You are what you are.”
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him.  “Well, did God straighten out your query for you?”   The zebra looked puzzled.  No sir, God simply said “You are what you are.”  St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, “Well then, there you are, You are white with black stripes.”
The zebra asked St. Peter, “How do you know that for certain?”   Because, said St. Peter, “If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, “You is what you is.”

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

Yesterday, after installing a new video driver, my computer acted like a hard drive had stopped and it would not boot up – had to restore a restore point, take it apart and reload all drives and everything seems OK now –  Thank God it happened this way as I did not have a image backup and would have been in shit creek if it was more serious.  I made 2 recovery bootable DVD disks for future problems and installed the latest and newest  Beta AMD video driver – running fine – next problem.  Actually may be running a little faster!

Thanks to Paul’s Sunday Funnies I found this one :

  Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA) found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.   And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?   Tarzan not know sex he replied.  Jane explained to him what sex was.   Tarzan said ….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.

Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.   Here she said, pointing to her privates, you must put it in here.

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!   Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.  Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, what did you do that for?     Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

Jerry, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for  Pattaya’s Walking Street one more time, for old times sake and some hot sex.  He engages a lovely Lady-boy and takes her up to a room.  He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’

The Lady-boy replies, ‘Well Jerry, Ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.

Ciao