Category: Joke

Sawadee Khrap

A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.   Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and their governments asked the World for help to rebuild.

• Great Britain would send troops to help keep the peace.
• Saudi Arabia would send oil and monetary assistance.
• Latin American countries would send clothing
• New Zealand and Australia would send sheep, cattle and food crops.
• The Asian countries would send labor to assist in rebuilding.
• Canada would send medical teams and supplies.
• And what would the new American President, Donald Trump, send?

Two million replacement Muslims!    God Bless President Trump!

Thanks Kevin for this insightful article.

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my old friends, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone and giving some extortionist the opportunity to sue under section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act.  So Kevin met with his lawyers yesterday, and on their advice, say the following :

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2017; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.”

Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).

Previously, “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” used to say it all !!

Thanks Kevin for contacting your lawyer and getting this approved.

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

Kevin sent me this list of ideas he has on how to enjoy Retirement.   As the world problems mount and happiness seem a thing of the past – try these suggestions to brighten your day:

1.  lunch time, sit in a parked car with sunglasses, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2.  On all your check stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors”
3.  Skip down the street rather than walk, see how many looks you get.
4.  With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5.  Sing along at The Opera.
6.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won!   I Won!’
7.  When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
8.  Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go….’
9.  Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:  My  Favorite…
10.  Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

Thanks again Kevin – trying some out today myself.

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

One morning, on his way out to check on the fields, the rancher says to his blond haired girlfriend Sue, “The Veterinarian is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”
 
A while later the Vet arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to take care of the cow,” he says.  Sue takes him down to the barn and as they walk along the row of cows, Sue sees the nail and tells him, “This is the one right here.”
 
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me lady, I’m dying to know, how YOU  know that this is the right cow to be bred?”  “That’s simple”, she confidently explains, “By the nail that’s over its stall”.
 
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for”?  She turns to walk away and whispers over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

Thanks to Paul’s Sunday Funnies.

Ciao

Thanks Paul’s Sunday Funnies – this is a classic.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese,
a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian,a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Mauritian, a Georgian, a  Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian,a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,

walk into a very fine restaurant in central London. 
After scrutinizing the group, the Maître D says, “I’m sorry…. you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.  On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’  ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’   

The farmer said, ‘Holy shit lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Well !!,  Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

From Paul’s Sunday Funnies

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and

sex with 2 people is a twosome,

now I understand why they call you handsome!

and

Pregnant Prostitute:
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?” 
“For Christ’s sake, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

 

Thanks to Paul’s Sundays Funnies

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

And thanks to Kevin for this :

A bloke goes to Thailand and brought home a lovely new wife.

  A year later his mate at the golf club asks “How’s that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand doing ?” 

“She died – rather suddenly.”  “Oh, I  am sorry – what happened?”  “Prostate cancer.”

Ciao

Sawadee Khrap

Thanks Jerry for this great inspiring story.

Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me crazy, Tyrone; can’t you learn anything?”

One day Tyrone’s mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and
ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

Twenty Five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is an extremely high likelihood that you will vote for Hillary.

Ciao