As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friend’s lives; and what’s happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton’s scandals, Trump, Fox News, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, CNBC, (et al); the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity; I saw a yard sign that said:
CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number……….
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Thanks Paul’s Sunday Funnies
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
“Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
Thanks Paul – “Paul’s Sunday Funnies”
Here’s one you don’t want to miss:
Click on image to start video
Thanks Nut for this great clip from CollegeHumor Originals.
‘Catfishing:’ The phenomenon of Internet scammers who fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into romantic relationships
Thanks Kevin for pointing out another absurdity.
Click on the image for full story
About as stupid as the open air urinals in San Francisco Park.
A major contributor to my blog is Kevin and he came up with this one too:
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little
Went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said:
‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
Thanks to Paul’s Sunday Funnies. Sooooo true
A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and their governments asked the World for help to rebuild.
- Great Britain would send troops to help keep the peace.
- Saudi Arabia would send oil and monetary assistance.
- Latin American countries would send clothing
- New Zealand and Australia would send sheep, cattle and food crops.
- The Asian countries would send labor to assist in rebuilding.
- Canada would send medical teams and supplies.
- And what would the new American President, Donald Trump, send?
Two million replacement Muslims! God Bless President Trump!
Thanks Kevin for this insightful article.
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my old friends, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone and giving some extortionist the opportunity to sue under section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act. So Kevin met with his lawyers yesterday, and on their advice, say the following :
Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2017; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.”
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
Previously, “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” used to say it all !!
Thanks Kevin for contacting your lawyer and getting this approved.
Kevin sent me this list of ideas he has on how to enjoy Retirement. As the world problems mount and happiness seem a thing of the past – try these suggestions to brighten your day:
1. lunch time, sit in a parked car with sunglasses, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2. On all your check stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors”
3. Skip down the street rather than walk, see how many looks you get.
4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5. Sing along at The Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
8. Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go….’
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite…
10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”
Thanks again Kevin – trying some out today myself.
A friend in Pattaya just sent me a photo of his new tricked-out ride. and states:
My Road Rage Is Gone . . . I no longer have problems with road rage.
You may not have known I had issues with road rage.
However, since I picked up my new bike, people no longer seem to annoy me any more.
Maybe I have mellowed or maybe they have just learned to drive better.
Just wanted to let you know I’m over all of that now.
Keep up the good attitude John, the roads are much safer now.
Mr. Durwood is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He says to them:
“Paul, I want you to take the Shaughnessy houses.”
“Valerie, take the condos over in Coal Harbor and False Creek.”
“Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”
“Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Point Grey.”
The nurse is just blown away by all this and, as he slips away, she says “Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!” Mildred replies, “Property? The asshole had a paper route!”
From Paul’s Sunday Funnies. email: firstname.lastname@example.org