Kids say the Damnedest things

Sawadee Khrap

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it
Was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child
Innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it
Didn’t move’

or

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little
Went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is
Falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that
Farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said:
‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”

Ciao

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

Sawadee Khrap

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.   There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

Thanks to Paul’s Sunday Funnies.   Sooooo true

Ciao

World Aid to the Middle East

Sawadee Khrap

A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.   Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and their governments asked the World for help to rebuild.

  • Great Britain would send troops to help keep the peace.
  • Saudi Arabia would send oil and monetary assistance.
  • Latin American countries would send clothing
  • New Zealand and Australia would send sheep, cattle and food crops.
  • The Asian countries would send labor to assist in rebuilding.
  • Canada would send medical teams and supplies.
  • And what would the new American President, Donald Trump, send?

Two million replacement Muslims!    God Bless President Trump!

Thanks Kevin for this insightful article.

Ciao

Politically Correct ( I think ! )

Sawadee Khrap

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my old friends, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone and giving some extortionist the opportunity to sue under section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act.  So Kevin met with his lawyers yesterday, and on their advice, say the following :

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2017; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.”

Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).

Previously, “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” used to say it all !!

Thanks Kevin for contacting your lawyer and getting this approved.

Ciao

How to Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT…

Sawadee Khrap

Kevin sent me this list of ideas he has on how to enjoy Retirement.   As the world problems mount and happiness seem a thing of the past – try these suggestions to brighten your day:

1.  lunch time, sit in a parked car with sunglasses, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2.  On all your check stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors”
3.  Skip down the street rather than walk, see how many looks you get.
4.  With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5.  Sing along at The Opera.
6.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won!   I Won!’
7.  When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
8.  Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go….’
9.  Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:  My  Favorite…
10.  Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

Thanks again Kevin – trying some out today myself.

Ciao

Road Rage

Sawadee Khrap

A friend in Pattaya just sent me a photo of his new tricked-out ride. and states:

My Road Rage Is Gone . . . I no longer have problems with road rage.
You may not have known I had issues with road rage.
However, since I picked up my new bike, people no longer seem to annoy me any more.
Maybe I have mellowed or maybe they have just learned to drive better.
Just wanted to let you know I’m over all of that now.

Mail Attachment

Keep up the good attitude John, the roads are much safer now.

Ciao

Don’t forget your will

Sawadee Khrap

Mr. Durwood is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.   He says to them:
“Paul, I want you to take the Shaughnessy houses.”
“Valerie, take the condos over in Coal Harbor and False Creek.”
“Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”
“Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Point Grey.”
The nurse is just blown away by all this and, as he slips away, she says “Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!”    Mildred replies, “Property?   The asshole had a paper route!”

From Paul’s Sunday Funnies.   email: sundayfunniescnx@gmail.com

Ciao

on the Nail

Sawadee Khrap

One morning, on his way out to check on the fields, the rancher says to his blond haired girlfriend Sue, “The Veterinarian is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”
 
A while later the Vet arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to take care of the cow,” he says.  Sue takes him down to the barn and as they walk along the row of cows, Sue sees the nail and tells him, “This is the one right here.”
 
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me lady, I’m dying to know, how YOU  know that this is the right cow to be bred?”  “That’s simple”, she confidently explains, “By the nail that’s over its stall”.
 
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for”?  She turns to walk away and whispers over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

Thanks to Paul’s Sunday Funnies.

Ciao

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke:

Thanks Paul’s Sunday Funnies – this is a classic.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese,
a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian,a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Mauritian, a Georgian, a  Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian,a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,

walk into a very fine restaurant in central London. 
After scrutinizing the group, the Maître D says, “I’m sorry…. you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

Ciao